Thong Wearing Trespasser Arrested

"Brian Luedeker, 37, of Madeira, walked uninvited into a backyard in the 7300 block of Juler Avenue and masturbated while wearing a black thong, Madeira police wrote in a complaint filed with Hamilton County Municipal Court." news.cincinnati

First of all I want to thank Brian Luedeker of Madeira for giving me something to write about. I was starting to get bummed out, because nothing retarded was going on around Cincinnati lately; but now all that has changed.
Brain I'm not really sure what your situation is, you could be like a walking masturbator  kind of like a sleep walker or you might have some kind of disorder, what ever the reason is, why in the world are you wearing a damn black thong? This ain't Europe son, this is good 'ol mid-west, that shit just don't fly here.

PS. I don't know who the hell that guy is, but I figured everyone needed some kind of visual.